Today is only the 4th day of October, and already September feels like a blur.
The month of September felt like a bumpy road filled with potholes. The last few days of the month were especially challenging, at least they were for me. I had all the feels, coupled with a whole bunch of tears. I think I can confidently say that September has been the worst month of my journey this year, at least up until now. The Green Day song continues to play in my mind; Wake Me Up When September Ends.
Why was it so rough?
I had some major “aha” moments and inspiration that hit me hard throughout the month. For instance, there was the morning when I was driving to the gym and realized I’m no longer worried about gaining weight back. That was huge. I can’t begin to tell you how much of my life has been consumed by the fear of putting all the pounds back on. It’s no longer a concern. I have no more anxiety about this. It’s just not a thought anymore. Can you even imagine the space that has cleared for me as a result of this revelation? It’s wild!
Then there was the moment I realized that I’m not trying to lose weight anymore. Instead, I’m taking exceptional care of my body as I return to my natural weight. There’s a big difference between this mentality and the desperate attempt to lose weight. The struggle has ended for me, and for the first time in my life I’m experiencing this journey from a totally different place. It’s freedom.
All of this sounds wonderful, right?
So, why the tears? What’s the problem?
Here I am now.
I have stopped stress eating and using food to numb.
I have stopped trying to lose weight.
I have stopped focusing on a number.
I have stopped worrying about gaining my weight back.
All of my distractions are gone. I've got nothing left, and I feel exposed. I have nowhere to hide. I’m starting to see me at my core as the layers of bullshit evaporate. My old weight loss mentality served as a shield to help me hide, it kept me preoccupied, and it held me down. There’s nothing left for me to grab on to. I can't hide from myself. I see it all for what it was, an incredible waste of time and a diversion of epic proportions. I’m waking up, and I can’t go back to sleep. I don’t want to go back to sleep. I have too much to say, and there is way too much to do.
There’s so much more to me than my weight, yet it has consumed me for decades. DECADES! I almost don't know what to do with myself. I don’t know where to start. I find myself in a new place. It's an unfamiliar space. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. It’s been a little uncomfortable at times. Actually, more than a little. It’s been extremely uncomfortable a lot of the time. This is new territory. I don’t have my old story, the familiar patterns, or the vice I used to cling to. I've let it all go, and that has been terrifying at times.
I’ve come to a crossroad. There are moments when I want to turn back. Our culture is obsessed with weight loss. Everywhere we look there are people who want to help. They’re selling the newest miracle, and offering the latest quick fix. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to travel that familiar road again, blend in, stay asleep. I can’t. That’s not what I’m here to do. I’ve seen too much. As scary as it feels to move forward, it would be so much more painful to go back. So, I will continue to forge ahead. I'll keep following the breadcrumbs. I’ll take the road less traveled. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet.
Weight loss has been my life. It has been my hobby. It has been my obsession. Now that I'm not consumed with my weight, what will I do with myself? I will take a tiny step. I can move forward. I can move sideways. I can take a nap. I can keep moving. I can keep doing this work.
It hit me tonight that I have experienced all of this so that I can help other women break their own patterns, stop struggling, and find freedom from the traditional weight loss trap. I had to go through all of this first. I had to learn it the hard way for you. That’s what this journey is all about. This is month #9.