My Worst Fear & Biggest Blessing


originally published at The Underbelly

In May 2013, I had an amazing opportunity to spend one week at a local weight loss ranch in hopes of learning even more tricks to shed the unwanted pounds. While there, and since I was always looking for ways to de-stress, I decided to try something called an emotional release massage. As I lay on the table I hear the massage therapist ask “do you ever stop thinking?” Um….no…. how does one do that?

You see… I used to live life as a worry-wart. I worried about everything, and nothing. I was a workaholic, stressed out all the time, ready to snap. I lived in the land of “what if”, and in constant fear. There was fear that I would lose my job, my kids, my husband, my life. I worried about my weight, my parenting skills, my marriage, my career. I bought into all the noise that I had to make more, be better, keep going, and work harder. Cancer was a particularly prevalent fear. I lost people I love dearly to the disease, and I didn’t want it to enter my world ever again.

After describing my mind as a ping pong match, and experiencing the most intense release of emotions (hence the name), I was told that if I didn’t stop this way of thinking I was going to make myself sick. I had always known this in the back of my mind, but this time it hit me like a ton of bricks. I took it very seriously. I went home and started exploring meditation as a way to combat my thoughts.

Six months after that intense release, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Out of the blue…. BAM….one of my biggest fears became reality. TOTAL PANIC. And guess what? All the worrying in the world can’t prepare you for a cancer diagnosis. My world was rocked. Everything turned inside out and upside down. There was a new fear, but the difference this time is that the situation was real. When I heard the words for the first time, my life flashed before my eyes. My mind went to the absolute worst places. I cried. A lot. I kinda hit rock bottom.

Then, something happened. It’s like a light switch turned on inside me. After a major meltdown I went into warrior mode. I was focused, and I was ready. I started having a strange realization that all of this was happening for a reason. It’s hard to explain, but I knew with everything I have that I was embarking on a very important journey.

Cancer turned something on inside me. I dove into more meditation and energy healing techniques. I invested in trainings about manifestation and abundance. I had surgery, I completed treatment. I joined a local gym, and program for cancer survivors to help get my strength back. I hired a life coach. I started paying attention to me.

My perspective on life shifted in a major way. I learned to let go. I learned that fear is not real. The things that seemed so important suddenly didn’t matter very much. We bought a swimming pool. We took the kids to Disney. I ended my stressful corporate career. I trained to become a life coach, and now I have my own business helping other people manage their life and their minds. It’s been a wild and amazing ride.

I am a breast cancer survivor. I have dealt with every emotion known and some deep, dark fears. “It came, we fought, I won”, and I wear my scar with gratitude for everything this journey has taught me & brought me. It has been my awakening…to understand and reclaim me.

If you take one thing away from my story, let it be to consider selling your real estate in the land of “what if”. Most of our fears will not be realized, and even if one is, it may actually turn out to be just what you need to make life better.

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