My Biggest Bully

I had a bad week. I got bit by a spider and it got infected. I felt like crap for most of the week, which I assume was because of this. In my exhausted & weakened state I told myself a lot of stories. My inner mean girl came for a visit.

When my coach mentors said that starting my own business would bring up all my shit, I believed them. I just didn’t know what to expect. I’m happy to report that I now know exactly what they meant.

Starting a business is not for the faint of heart. It will conjure up every single ounce of self-doubt, unworthiness, and (in my case) self-hate. All of that came out to play. Add to this the fact that my annual mammogram was this week, and I had a recipe for disaster. I had more melt downs than I care to admit.

In the not so distant past, when my self-doubt came creeping in, I would push it away with self-hate. It usually sounded something like “you’re right”, “that sounds so stupid”, “they’re going to hate you”. My inner bully had a field day!

But, here’s the thing…. for a very long time I wasn’t conscious of my inner bitch. I wasn’t aware of how this cycle worked. For years, I told myself I was afraid of what other people would think. The truth, which I discovered this week, is that I’m afraid of what I will think. I have been my own worst critic and my worst enemy. I am my own bully.

What I realized this week is that I have been chasing my own tail with self-doubt and self-hate, AND distracting myself from all of this by over-eating and staying overweight. I have actually been hiding me from myself, using food and weight as the shield. Just let that sink in. Fascinating, isn’t it?

Many of us do this, we’re just not always conscious of it. It comes in different forms, and various degrees, but a good majority of us experience self-doubt on some level; and then we chase it down with self-hate.

Can you hear your inner critic? Do you notice when she’s around?

I’m on to mine! I can see that I’ve been a real asshole to myself. That changes now. I can drop the shield, because awareness is key. You can’t change something that you don’t know exists. And now, forgiveness can begin.

Are you ready to drop your s