I feel like I'm peeling back another layer each week. I'm discovering so much about myself on this journey. My impossible goal this year is to remove 100 pounds, but it has become so much more than that. I'm learning so much about what I want my life to look like. I'm removing a ton of dead weight in the form of thoughts I think, and endless mind chatter. I'm quieting my critic, even though she's in full blown panic mode. She's been throwing everything at me, except the kitchen sink. This has been a great year of exploration, and we’re still in the first quarter. Some moments have been painful, but it’s also been very rewarding.
One thing I discovered is that I’m still a workaholic, just in a different way. I don't have enough fun.
I always blamed the job I had for my workaholic tendencies. There was too much to do, not enough people, unrealistic expectations. What I realize now is that it was me all along, creating my own chaos. I was a perfectionist. I had to be right, I had to perform, because I had to be the best. Always. That is how I defined my worth.
Way back in the day, I had a boss who told me “you can find another job, but your shit will follow you”. It took years for that to finally sink in. Finding a new job was never the solution. It would never matter. This is an inside job.
I’m realizing the same lesson applies to weight loss. You can lose 100 pounds, but if you’re not happy with who you are at your core, it won’t matter. If you don’t like the skin you’re in now, you won’t like it when you lose weight. Your shit will follow you. That’s just the truth.
I have been approaching my impossible goal like a job, and I have been a total workaholic. It has consumed every waking moment. The number on the scale isn’t moving as much as I hoped, and I have made that mean something. I have been stuck in the why.
Do you ever get stuck in the why? Trying to figure out why it’s not working, why you made a mistake, or why you can’t get your act together? It’s a total distraction. It only keeps us stuck. And, it really doesn’t matter. I recognize that this is part of my self-sabotage. It’s also part of my need to succeed and be the best. Always. Again.
I have created my very own pressure cooker, just like I did when I worked in corporate. I’m still a workaholic. I’ve been doing it to myself. Let me tell you, that’s a tough pill to swallow.
With all the stress I’ve been putting on myself, I decided to take a time out. Actually, I took a few time-outs. I took a step back from social media. I started attending a small group at my church focused on creating breathing room. I stopped spending so much time in my office, and I started to shift my thoughts about my weight journey.
When we slow down, and take a step back, we can find space. In that space is awareness. In that awareness is the opportunity to make a change.
I have been sitting in my new-found space. I have been practicing with new thoughts. I have stopped trying to answer the why. I’m discovering a sense of peace, and the realization that this journey can be fun. I can give myself permission to have fun. Isn’t that what this is all about?
My commitment to myself is to find more fun on this journey and cut myself some slack. I haven’t figured out exactly what that looks like yet, but I’m excited to experiment. Meanwhile, I have started to change the conversations with myself in my head. She has a kinder voice, with a more compassionate tone.
I’m starting to feel a shift. I'm losing the mental weight of having to be perfect. With that, I'm losing the attachment to my physical weight and the obsession of having to remove it. I don’t have to be a workaholic. I can relax. That feels different. That feels good. That feels like fun.