My 100 Pound Journey - Month #4

My impossible goal this year is to lose 100 pounds. I am going to write a recap at the end of each month to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m calling this April Showers & The Shame Spiral. This is month #4.

As I sit here staring at a blank screen, I don't know what to type. I don't know what to say. April has been a doozy, and I don't know where to begin. In some ways I thought this journey would get easier as each month passed. That has not been the case, certainly not in April.

I thought about quitting. I thought about stopping my 100-pound journey. I considered going quietly into the night where nobody would remember. I didn't want to face the recap for this month, because it has been a shit show, and because I am embarrassed. That, my friends, is exactly why I need to share it.

I'm reminded that this process is not linear. That's something I tell my clients all the time. I'm living it. This journey is not a straight line. It twists and turns, it goes backward and forward. In some ways it can feel like a big mess. That’s okay. I have learned that sometimes taking a small step back can lead to a larger leap forward. All that said, I’m still focusing on the number. I’m still freaking out a little bit when it’s time to recap the month. I’m still making this about weight loss as opposed to the journey. I’m still beating myself up.

The month started out with a bang. It was Easter. It ended up being an emotional holiday for me in my hometown of Buffalo, NY. More awareness came as a result of staying with my parents in my old childhood home. It was the first time (that I remember) being in that room when I can honestly say I love my body. It was pretty wild. There were more bombs that dropped, like the realization that I'm always trying to be good enough for someone or something outside of myself, and at the same time trying to rebel against that very same thing. You can read more about that struggle here.

When we got back to Georgia things continued to unravel. I had my annual mammogram. For a breast cancer survivor that can be a very emotional time. It was for me. I continued to stretch past my comfort zone in my business, and in my personal life. I met new friends. I drank way too much wine, opened up, and shared stories about me that I typically reserve for my very best coaching buddies. I realize that I am very good at purposely avoiding situations where I can potentially be hurt. This is all part of the masterful protection mechanism I have carefully designed for myself. It's fascinating. In this case I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I gave myself permission to let down my guard. I came out of my shell. Then, I kicked myself in the ass. Enter, the shame spiral.

I notice when my brain is trying to enter the shame spiral. It’s the old voices saying I should stay in my shell, I made a fool of myself, and nobody likes me anyway. This is also part of the protection. I see it. I know what’s happening. I know exactly what my brain is doing. I’m trying to stop it. I’m trying to ignore it and keep shame at the door. I don’t want to let it in. However, since all of this I have been eating tortilla chips and chocolate like they're both going out of style. I feel it. My body is off. I'm exhausted, and I feel like crap.