My impossible goal this year is to lose 100 pounds. I am going to write a recap at the end of each month to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm calling this one "the page turner". This is month #6.
I'm halfway through my journey, yet in some ways I feel like I'm just beginning. I say that because it feels like I've turned a corner. It's hard to put into words, but I'll try.
The first half of this year my journey was filled with many lessons, but I was still super focused on the number. I talked about letting go of the number in my May recap. You can read more about that here. Even though I was fixated on the number, I continued to learn more about myself, my body, and how to let go. I believe that I may have reached the turning point in June because I did just that. I finally let go. For real.
In June I took a break from social media. I stepped away and removed all the apps from my phone. That was a big decision, and it was very hard in the beginning. I realize I was hooked on social media, especially Facebook. Once I finally put the phone down and stopped trying to check an app that was no longer there, I knew it was the best decision for my personal space and sanity. I still haven't restored Facebook on my phone, and I'm not sure when I will. Not yet.
I'm also taking a break from most of my business activities to spend the summer with my kids. They just turned 9 & 10 and I know they may not want to hang with me as much in a few short years, so I'm soaking it up now. This is the first summer I haven't worked full time. It's their first summer with me, not in day care, camp, or with a nanny. I set very few expectations, because I didn't know what was in store for us. My primary goal has been to be present and have fun. Every once in a while that little voice pops in to complain: "they're not having enough fun", "you're not doing good enough". When that happens I look at what we've actually done (see below), and my inner critic gets squashed pretty quick. I'm loving this time, and I feel incredibly blessed to have this opportunity.
Little did I know the impact both of these decisions would have on this particular part of my journey. Somewhere in the midst of our trip to Florida, June birthdays (both kids are June babies), family visits, summer movies, bowling, roller skating, the beach, the pool, and visits to various water parks it hit me. I'm having fun. I'm relaxed. I stopped trying so damn hard. I'm not focused on trying to lose weight. I'm not focused on trying to figure anything out. I'm not freaking out or worrying about where I am in this process. I haven't been busy beating myself up, or swimming in a sea of compare and despair. I have let go, and it feels amazing. I feel free. My inner critic has not been front and center.
With all of this freedom and fun I noticed something else that's blowing my mind. This hasn't been the kind of break that becomes an eating frenzy. Not at all. I'm continuing to nourish my body in the best way without giving it a second thought. Without even realizing it I'm continuing to fuel my body with all the power foods that make it feel good. I'm moving my body with exercise it loves. This is so wild to me, because it's not hard. It's not taking effort. I’m not depriving myself. I’m not punishing myself. I'm not doing anything with a goal in mind. I'm doing all of this because it feels too good not to. I believe this has become my new norm.
We spent time with friends for the July 4th holiday. There were many of my former favorites on hand including cookie cake, chips, etc. After we left the cookout I realized I didn't indulge in any of my usual staples. I was satisfied with dinner, so I didn't eat more. I didn't tell myself I couldn't. I didn't tell myself I could. I just didn't think about it. The food didn't enter my mind. It wasn't until we left when I realized what happened. My mind was blown. These are the permanent changes I'm always talking about. There’s no going back from here.