In some ways I thought that once I healed my old emotional wounds the weight would magically fall off. I had this idea floating around in my head that once I let go of the mental weight the physical weight would simply disappear. It hasn't worked that way for me. I understand this has worked for some people, but it confirms another important realization for me; every body is not the same. I thought that loving my body would yield different results. I can say that I truly love, respect, and care for my body now, but the weight isn't falling off. I even stopped emotionally driven binge eating like I used to do. Still, the weight stays. I have racked my brain trying to figure out what must be wrong with me. The answer is nothing. There is nothing wrong with me. It's just that yet again I have found myself trying to fit in someone else's model of weight loss. It's the thought that if I do what they do it will work this time. For the vast majority of us that simply isn't true. Everything will not work for everyone. I am learning that for me it is very much a combination of mental AND physical work. It’s also finding my power to ditch everything else and fully trust myself. It's about discovering what works for me, not what works for anyone else. It takes experimenting. It takes time. This is a process. It's not a race. There is no time frame. There is no finish line.
It finally hit me like a ton of bricks one day. I could take all the things I learned, keep doing the thought work, continue clearing the weeds of old beliefs, but ultimately I would have to harness my power and find my own way. It would turn out to be a combination thought work, healing, movement, and consistency in the kitchen. The last one has been my struggle all along.
Even after all the work I have done, as far as I have come, I still have moments when I struggle with food. The moments are few and far between, and they're not the same, but they can still happen.
I'll share what happened last week as an example. My husband was in India. My kids were in Buffalo for a visit with their grandparents. That left me home alone with Scarlet (our shorkie) for 11 days. This was a big deal for me. I'm not used to being alone. Most of my friends are not local. I don't have a ton of friends in Georgia to do things with, and I am the absolute worst when it comes to reaching out. In the beginning I felt lonely, sad, and terribly bored. I missed my favorite people so much it hurt. I even missed my kids arguing and the YouTube shows they love to watch.
The first few days were the hardest. I noticed that I couldn't stop thinking of my favorite dark chocolate cream pie. This was fascinating to me because I rarely think about food anymore, especially sweets. I eventually paused the Twilight saga I was binge watching and took myself to Kroger to get my favorite pie. I ate most of it in one day. It was the only thing I ate that day, but still. I landed in the bathroom afterwards. It wasn't pretty.
I share this with you because it's important. I want it to be very clear that no matter how hard I have worked, and how far I have come, I still have moments when my emotions take over. I still fall down. I will always fall down. I am human. It hit me that the point here hasn't been to stop falling. Instead, it's about how I handle the fall. The difference now is that I don't fall as hard, or as far, and it's a lot easier to get up. When I do get up I don't beat myself up. There were moments I wanted to hate myself for eating the pie. I redirected those thoughts. I deserve more. I deserve my love. I got up quickly, dusted myself off, and carried on. I ended up having a good week by myself. Turns out it was exactly what I wanted and needed. It would have been so easy for me to stay in the spiral and beat myself up. I didn't. This is huge. This is exactly what my journey is all about.
My reason for sharing all of this today is to point out that it's taking a combination of all the things as I continue on my weight journey. One piece is