This year started with my deeply personal and impossible goal to lose 100 pounds. Over the months I slowly detached from that number, from any number. My goal has evolved into the Fat2Fierce journey. I didn't expect that to happen. I never imagined I would be living the coaching program I created. This year has been all about learning how to drop the number, end my own suffering, and discover peace as I continue my journey. I committed to writing a recap at the end of each month to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm calling this one "Right & Wrong". This is month #10.
In my world, things are right or wrong.
It's all or nothing.
There's very little space in between, especially when my inner critic is in charge. Everything becomes black or white, and I struggle to find any gray.
This has been a big area of focus for me, because for a long time I have held the belief that I must do everything the "right" way. I can't make a mistake. There's no room to get it wrong. I second guess myself more times than I can count, because I don't ever want to screw up. I can't be wrong, not ever, not in anything. As you can imagine this is draining and debilitating. It keeps me stuck. It keeps me frozen. I can't make a move. It's exhausting. This isn't about being right in a way where I want everyone to think & do it my way. This is all about me doing things the right way, but for whom?
It can get tricky, because which way is right? What is right? Who decides?
I'm not talking about basic morals. This goes deeper. It's about losing weight the "right" way. Marketing my business the "right" way. Following my faith the "right" way. Saying the "right" thing. Doing it (whatever IT is) the "right" way. All of this comes from my inner perfectionist, and she's a bitch. I finally began to see this belief for the distraction that it is. The truth is that it won't ever matter what I choose, or how I decide to do anything, because to my inner critic and my inner perfectionist I will always get it wrong. This is how I self sabotage. This is how I ensure things don't get done. This is how I keep myself in a box, with no room to move. A story:
We discovered a church we love in Georgia. My husband and I share different opinions about church and faith in general, so finding a place that worked for both of us was important. We also want our children to form their own beliefs, and to follow what feels good for them. If that means something different than what I believe, that's okay. I don't need them to do things my way. That's not what this is about. This idea of doing things the "right" way is more about me pleasing me. I've always known myself to be a bit of a people pleaser, but I started to recognize that all along it's really been about pleasing my inner critic and my inner perfectionist. News flash: I'll never please either of them. I'm fighting a losing battle. I recently joined a small group offered by our church to explore my faith. It was a delightful 8 week course that I loved. At the start of the program each person was asked to write down one question that they hoped to have answered during our time together. My question, "how do I know this is right?". The moment I wrote my question it hit me that this has been a theme in my life. That question has been a driving force to nowhere. As we explored each week I started to understand that faith is not about being right. It's not about doing it right. It's about trusting what feels good and following that direction. It's the same lesson I've learned throughout my journey to become a life coach. It's the same lesson I'm learning on my weight journey. It's a lesson I'm starting to embrace in my role as an entrepreneur.
There is no "right" way to do any of this stuff. It's all practice. I really don't have to waste my time worrying about getting it "wrong". After all, nothing is set in stone. Things can be tweaked, they can always be changed. What would it look like if I stopped trying to get everything right? How would it feel if I stopped trying not to be wrong?
I think I'll practice putting my energy into listening to, and trusting my intuition, and following what feels like love in my body. Maybe it really can be that simple. Maybe that's where I'll find more gray. After all, my body hasn't steered me wrong yet. My mind, well....that's another story. I think it's time to forgive my inner critic, and my inner perfectionist. While I know the intentions are good, and they have my best interest at heart, it's time to send them both packing. They're not helpful anymore, and I have important things to do.
Here's to month #10, opening new doors, and starting to find more gray.