Last year started with my deeply personal and impossible goal to lose 100 pounds. Over the months I slowly detached from that number, from any number. My goal evolved into the Fat2Fierce journey. I didn't expect that to happen. I never imagined I would be living the coaching program I created. Last year was all about learning how to drop the number, end my own suffering, and discover peace as I continue the journey toward my natural weight. I committed to writing a recap at the end of each month to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is month #12, the December recap. I'm calling this one "Coming Full Circle".
What? Were you expecting a side by side photo, or a fantastic "before and after" image to show off my results? If you've been following along then you may have guessed I wouldn't be heading in that direction, simply because that's not what this journey was about. This work starts with your brain, not your body. Yes, I removed physical pounds in 2018. What's really worth celebrating is the mental weight I lost, all the stuff that's been weighing me down for the last 30+ years. I finally got rid of the crap that was clouding my journey, and keeping me stuck. Unfortunately I haven't figured out how to take a picture of that, although I really wish I could.
I will be honest with you, when December hit the typical thoughts began to circle in my mind like hawks. Thoughts like "I haven't lost enough", and "I really am a failure". I started putting pressure on myself, but why? I never had any intention of sharing the traditional "before and after" photo. My journey was not about physical weight loss. It started that way, and then everything shifted. It turned into a journey of rediscovering myself at my core without the baggage of my weight. It turned into an incredible opportunity to discover that what I've been carrying all these years was never mine to begin with. It turned into a chance to find forgiveness and finally let go. I lost the mental weight that was keeping me stuck. I stopped the suffering that kept me in the dreadful weight loss loop. I released the unrealistic expectations that I never really bought into.
When we were in Buffalo for Christmas I went through pictures from my childhood. I was alone. Nobody knew I was flipping through the pages of old photo albums. I was looking for something, but not sure what. I started with my baby book and continued until I found it, the picture of me that you see here. It's a little blurry, but it will have to do. This is me when my body started to become a problem. This is when my weight story started. This is my earliest memory of being fat, and that being fat wasn't okay.
You may be looking at this picture thinking some version of "huh?". That was the look on my husband's face when I showed him this image. This is the body people had a problem with. This is the body other children and adults made fun of. This is the body that was called "Miss Piggy", "Orka", and plain old "fat". This is the body people tried desperately to change and make smaller as a solution. This is when everything got fucked up.
I realized something when I looked at this picture. I saw my inner rebel. I rediscovered that little voice who quietly disagreed with the others. This version of me was hurting, but never enough to conform. Never enough to give in. Even when I was offered $100 to lose 10 pounds this part of me said "no". I never got that money. Even though I was hurting I would not play the game. I forgot about my inner rebel until I looked at this picture. I suddenly realized that part of me has been trying to resist anyone who tells me I need to change, including myself. I've been rebelling against myself. Try wrapping that one around your brain. My mind is officially blown.