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Wanting All The Treats

I recently stopped eating flour and sugar.

I did this as part of a new food protocol that I designed for myself, under the guidance of Brooke Castillo. I signed up for her program called Self Coaching Scholars, and it’s blowing my mind!

The idea is simple. Create a plan that includes a schedule for meals. Decide on meals that don’t include flour or sugar. That’s it.

I’m doing this for my overall health. Flour makes me feel like crap, and since our bodies are not designed to process this, or sugar, I decided to give it a whirl.

When I first thought about the idea of starting a protocol that I would commit to for 30 days I completely freaked out. No sugar?! I can’t have any treats? No cheats? How will I survive?

I immediately wanted a treat, because I was telling myself I couldn’t have one. I’m sure you know how that works.

Why do I want a treat in this moment?

My brain instantly flashes to chocolate pie. I want to go to the bakery and get some chocolate pie.

Why do I want chocolate pie?

French silk pie is something I ate regularly when Garret and I first started dating. I kept myself very restricted from food when I was single. The moment I was comfortable in a relationship I lost control in the form of a chocolate pie. Interesting.

I stay with the question and the thoughts that come in. I don’t try to push them away. I don’t stuff them down. I don’t shame myself. I let them come, and I meet them head on.

Why do I want the treats?

The treats keep me where I am.

They keep me safe.

My brain doesn’t want me to lose weight. My brain wants to keep me overweight because it doesn’t know who I am without the burden. It thinks I will die if I lose this protection. That’s why my brain wants the food. It’s my brain that wants it, not me at my core. I can see this as something separate. My brain wants the food to keep me safe.

I want to eat out of fear, out of fear of becoming something or someone that’s not familiar. I can see how I use my weight as an excuse for not moving forward in my business, and my life. I don't put myself out there as much as I could. I struggle meeting new people. If I stay at my weight I have the excuse. I don't have to do these things. If I lose the weight, I lose the excuse. Then I must move forward. The thoughts continue to creep in. I won’t know what to do when my weight is not a theme in my life. I don’t know who I am without this story. That’s the big, bad belief. It terrifies me.

My weight journey has been a battle of epic proportions. It has been with me since I was 10 or 11. That’s when I was first introduced to the idea that something was wrong with my body. This story has been my security blanket. It’s been my life.

I stay with this. All of this. I let it wash over me. I sit with the fear, sadness, and uncertainty. When the emotion passes, because it always does, I ask myself who I will be without this story.

I will be me. I am me, and I am free.

I can see the self-sabotage.

I'm on to myself.

This is awareness.

It’s been exposed.

I can't go back.

This is a permanent shift.

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