I've been on a bit of a downward spiral since my parents left two weeks ago.
Actually, it feels like it's been a lot longer than two weeks.
It's no secret that I've been really homesick since we made the move from New York to Georgia almost one year ago. I started to come out of my funk a few months ago. I began liking this new area we are in. It's actually really beautiful down here. Things are becoming familiar. I'm getting to know people, and discovering great places to meet for coffee. My business is moving in the right direction. I've been fueling my body in a way that feels amazing. I even started to get my energy back, just a little. Everything felt like it was coming together.
My parents came for a delightful week-long visit at Halloween, and then......they left.
I've been a little out of control since they left. Well actually, a lot out of control. The best way I can describe it is like riding in a high-speed car with no control of the wheel. Everything is moving very fast, and I feel like I can’t catch up. I feel like I’m unraveling at the seams.
I haven't been fueling my body in a way that feels great. I'm indulging in more pleasure food. My body feels sluggish, and tired. I've been sleeping way too much, and there’s been a heavy sadness I can’t quite put my finger on.
Last week I broke into my sons Skittles from Halloween.
This week I’ve been gravitating towards bread and butter.
When I eat this stuff, I feel horrible. We’re talking a debilitating headache, and total exhaustion. I actually thought I was getting sick.
I wonder what the heck I’m doing, and why I feel this loss of control.
That's when it hit me. I'm kind of at a crossroads.
I still miss my hometown, but I'm really starting to like it here. I miss being so close to my family, but I love the life we are creating in Georgia. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle, and not sure where I should land, or if I even have to land. Should I be wishing we could move back home, or should I be wanting to stay here? It's like I'm at a fork in the road unsure of which way to go. I can tell this is true by the tears flowing down my face as I write this. I'm somewhere in the in-between. This is a new place for me. I haven't been here before.
Suddenly, it clicks.
There's guilt on both sides of this.
My parents want us back home, and I want to be there. My husband loves his job and we are starting to like it here. There's no way I can possibly make everyone happy, but I'm not supposed to. Yet somehow, I think that's the control I've been trying to hold on to. And with that I can see that I'm beginning to lose myself.
I’m in this uncertain space, and food became the certainty. It’s a habit. I've been trying to regain control with Skittles and bread. It’s not helping. All the food does is keep me distracted, and make me feel like crap. I needed to see this, and now I can allow it to unwind. I can face it head on. This awareness is key. I think I’ll float around in this space for a while. It's unfamiliar, and that's okay. I don't have to chose. I can create my own path, and allow myself to enjoy the journey. I can grab the wheel.