What do you do when you realize you've been hanging on to something that doesn't serve you? Last week Friday I stepped on the scale. I saw a number that I haven't seen in almost 2 years. I felt excited, proud, and really confident. That same day I learned that I have lost almost 20 pounds since last April. I only know this from looking at my information on the patient portal for one my docs. I nearly fell off my chair. I didn't realize it. That was Friday. By Monday morning I gained 5 pounds. Now, I know those 5 pounds were not "real" pounds, BUT they sent me on a shame spiral nonetheless. That's when I noticed a couple of things. 1) I'm still tied to the number 2) There is a part of me that does not want this weight to leave What I have discovered this year, working towards this impossible goal, is that I use my weight as a shield. I use it to keep me safe. I have talked about this. I know the story. You know the story. This story, my weight story, has been with me for so long that I don't know who I am without it. Even when I lost weight in the past, even when I was the lightest I have ever been, it was never enough. I still hated my body. I still had to lose more. I still had this story. This morning a deep and dark secret was revealed. I was talking with a dear coach buddy who said these words to me: "this story is your favorite". It hit me like a ton of bricks. My eyes filled with tears. This story is my favorite. As sad, mad, and crazy as it makes me, it is the one that I cling to. I don't want to let go. I've made it part of my identity. Earlier this week, when I was investigating why I ate like crap all weekend long, and why there is a part of me that does not want my weight to leave, I had a thought. I'll share it here: If they attacked my fat, they couldn't attack me. I've been able to hide behind my weight. My fat took the hit. That's how it kept me safe. It was the shield. It was the safety net. It still is. It's an illusion that my brain created. My body has complied. Stepping aside for just a moment, how incredible is this? I mean, really. Our brains and our bodies are magnificent. Can you imagine the possibilities with a story that served you? This story does not serve me. I digress.... It's almost as if my body protested over the weekend. She was screaming "HELL NO, we need to hang on!! Bring those pounds back!!". It feels like I was asleep at the wheel. There is a part of me that doesn't want this change. There is a part of me that feels really safe. There is a part of me that is comfortable right where I am. There is a part of me that wants to take the easy road, the one that is paved, the one that is familiar. That's the road I have known. That's the road that has become my favorite. Folks, this is awareness. That is all this is. I don't need to do anything with this information. Not right now. The rug has been lifted, more dirt has been exposed. I can see it. I can feel it. There is a threat. There is a fear. Writing this feels scary, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm shining a big light under the rug. I'm just going to notice it. Tomorrow I'll get the broom. This has been my favorite story. I think it's time to pick a new one. Are you ready to find out why you're hanging on to your weight? Join me on this journey. Let's find out. xo, Amy
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