My impossible goal this year is to lose 100 pounds. I am going to write a recap at the end of each month to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm calling this one "No More Numbers". This is month #5.
I still have meltdowns.
They’re not as often, and they’re not for the same reasons.
In the past I would have a meltdown trying to find an outfit to wear. That doesn't happen anymore.
I used to have meltdowns after mindlessly devouring a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream that I didn’t want, typically due to stress. I can’t remember the last time that happened. It’s been years.
It really has been a while since I had a full blown meltdown, where I cried to the point of hyperventilating.
Except for last weekend. I completely lost my shit over this impossible goal.
This isn’t going the way I planned!
I have been so frustrated.
I feel like a failure.
But, isn’t that the point?
I’m supposed to be failing. That’s why it’s impossible!
This little exercise was supposed to take away the fear of failure, but it hasn’t taken away the pressure I put on myself.
I can tell myself that I’m okay with failing, but I’m not.
I’m especially not okay with failing when other people are watching.
Failure is the path to success, right?
I keep forgetting that.
I am an overachiever. I always have to be the best, my inner Betty Crocker says so.
In the category of weight loss I think I suck, and I’m letting that thought get the best of me.
I have done so much coaching and deep inner work on myself that I have created a relatively stress-free life, except for this one little thing. The fucking number on the scale. It still weighs on me. Heavily. Forget the fact that my jeans are officially falling down, even with a belt. The scale is not changing, and that's pissing me off. I’m still stuck on the number.
I’ve been so distracted by the number that I lost sight of everything I accomplished on my journey thus far.
Here’s a quick recap:
I don’t stress eat anymore.
I don’t drown my sorrows in my kids snacks.
I don’t crave food – at all. That in itself is mind blowing.
I don’t fret about what to wear.
I don’t hate my body anymore.
I don’t hate myself.
I wear my swimsuit in public.
I get dressed each day with ease.
I exercise daily without any expectation.
I eat food that feels good.
I like my reflection in the mirror.
I talk kindly to my body.
I listen to my body.
I trust my body.
I recognize my strengths.
I know how to change my thoughts, and I do that regularly.
All of this, and I can’t let go of the number.
Why can’t I let go of the number?
Maybe I can stop trying to figure out why.
Trying to figure out why is a diversion that keeps the same cycle spinning.
Why doesn’t matter. It’s never helpful. Forget why.
I feel enormous pressure around the number. My hunch is that this pressure keeps me stuck and helps me self-sabotage.
Focusing on the number also takes me right back to diet culture. Emphasis on the gain or loss sucks me right back in to the tangled web we weave on this topic. It’s a slippery slope, and it's easy to slide back into old patterns without even realizing what happened. I keep getting back on the same highway, because it's the struggle I'm used to. It's familiar. There are no surprises. It's miserable, but I tolerate it.
I want to travel a different road. I want to know what it feels like to not focus on the number. I want to know what it feels like to not want to lose weight. That is unfamiliar territory, but yet it feels like peace.
So, how do I let go of the number?
I can stop giving it my attention.
I can stop fighting it.
I can allow all the thoughts about it - even the ugly ones.
I can offer myself the same compassion I give my clients.
Since this journey is all about experimenting, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm not walking away from my impossible goal, I'm just changing things up a bit.
I’m ditching the number, for now.
I'm not going to report on the number, because that’s really not what this journey is about.
It's about finding freedom. It’s about discovering peace, and confidence. It's about taking back control.
It’s about uncovering all the ways I have sabotaged myself in the past, which kept the weight coming back.
It's about ending that cycle once and for all.
It’s about learning how to remove all the weight – mental and physical - for the last time.
This is different than anything I’ve ever done before, so it’s time that I treat it as such.
I'm going to stop counting and keep going.
I already feel relief.
Moving on.
xo, Amy
Do you want to ditch the number? If you are ready to experience peace with your body, end emotional eating, and escape diet culture, check out my coaching program FAT2FIERCE. You can click here to answer some questions and schedule a FREE transformation session. The transformation session is an opportunity to get coached by me, and get a better understanding of the program and if it's what you're looking for. If you are ready to explore, you can click here to get started.