This year started with my deeply personal and impossible goal to lose 100 pounds. Over the months I slowly detached from that number, from any number. My goal has evolved into the Fat2Fierce journey. I didn't expect that to happen. I never imagined I would be living the coaching program I created. This year has been all about learning how to drop the number, end my own suffering, and discover peace as I continue my journey. I have laid a new foundation for myself, one that no longer includes the struggle. I committed to writing a recap at the end of each month to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is month #11, the November recap.I'm calling this one "No More Hiding".
Ponchos. I remember how excited I was when ponchos came back in style. You know, sweater ponchos. They're beautiful. I have one in every color! Just kidding, they're mainly black, grey, or brown. That's my primary color palette. I have almost 30 sweater ponchos hanging in my closet as I type this (well....had....keep reading). I'm not exaggerating. Who has that many ponchos? I clearly couldn't get enough of them.
When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and had to be at the hospital several times each week for tests and stuff I was a regular at the gift shop. Hospital gift shops can be fun. This particular one had the best ponchos, and I purchased several. I wore them all the time. I couldn't wait for fall weather so I could throw on a poncho with my jeans, or leggings, and boots. The perfect look!! I loved it.
This year the cooler weather started to arrive in November (much later in Georgia compared to New York), and something felt different. I wasn't looking forward to wearing my ponchos. In fact, when I looked at them hanging in my closet I didn't feel any excitement. I felt dread. It was a feeling like "ick". When I touched them they no longer sparked joy. I wasn't sure what was happening.
In early November we went to the elementary school for the annual Veteran's Day celebration. My husband was in the Army Reserves. Our kids love to celebrate him and my dad, who was in the Air Force. Anyway....it was a chilly and rainy November morning in north Georgia, and all I had to choose from was a plethora of ponchos. I reluctantly put one on, and we headed out.
We were in the car driving to the school when I suddenly realized the truth about my once beloved ponchos. It hit me (and my husband) like a ton of bricks when I realized what was going on. These sweaters have been my shield. They have helped me hide. That's why I have so many. That's why they're practically all I've worn for the last several years. For me, ponchos have been the perfect way to hide my fat. They helped me shield my body.
I have done so much internal work this year. I have come to such an incredible place of peace with my body, exactly as it is today, that I no longer feel the need to hide. I used those stylish ponchos to help me cover up, the same way I wore t-shirts over my bathing suit for almost my entire childhood. I've been trying to hide my body for decades. I see it clearly. My secret is out. I own this story. I can admit it to myself. I don't have to lie to myself, sugar coat the truth, or cover it up. I've done enough covering up for a lifetime. The desire to be seen is coming through in my wardrobe. The ponchos in my closet represent years of trying to hide. That's why I felt the "ick". I want to stop trying to hide. I'm done. And so, it's time to retire the ponchos. I don't need them anymore. It is safe for all of me to be seen.
I completed another closet detox. I highly recommend doing this if you haven't already. I get rid of anything in my closet that doesn't fit, I haven't worn in the last year, or that no longer sparks joy. This is a great way to clear clutter, free up space, and drop a bunch of dead (mental) weight. I feel lighter every single time. I still think my ponchos are beautiful, and I did keep a few favorites. The rest will be donated. That feels really good. Meanwhile, I've been stocking up on some new cooler weather threads that are more fitted. No more ponchos for me this year. I'm not hiding anymore.
If you're ready to stop hiding we should chat. I'm extending Fat2Fierce to a 12 month program in 2019. We will meet twice each month as we explore why your weight keeps coming back (or why it doesn't want to leave). This program is all about learning how to stop self-sabotage, end the battle with your body, and feel comfy in your skin so you can finally get off the hamster wheel and continue your journey from a place of peace. I'm sharing the same process that helped me stop overeating, and stop suffering, so I could stop trying so damn hard. Can you imagine actually enjoying the journey to your natural weight? It's possible. I'm doing it. Schedule a call today so we can talk about your plans for 2019. xo