My impossible goal this year is to lose 100 pounds. I am going to write a recap at the end of each month to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is March, and it's also the first quarter recap.
It's hard to put into words everything that has happened in these few short months since I started the journey towards my impossible goal. When I decided that I would fail at this goal, I didn't fully realize the other doors that would open. My impossible goal is like a key that has unlocked a new level. I seriously feel like I have cracked some sort of code. That’s the best way I can describe it.
This is not just a weight loss journey. It's a deep dive into myself. I’m getting to know me at my core, and everything that has held me back. I’m lifting the rug to expose all the dirt that has been sitting stagnant for decades. I’m peering through the illusions that I have used as my safety nets, all of them. This is awareness. It has been messy, confusing, and overwhelming at times. It has also been enlightening, amazing, and beautiful. All of it is necessary. All of it is worth it.
My visits back home to Buffalo have been a big part of this, and they have offered much insight. I was in Buffalo at the start of this year when I kicked off my impossible goal, and I was there to close out the first quarter. Interesting, because that wasn't planned.
Every time I go home more bombs drop and layers of my onion are peeled back. This time I had an amazing revelation. As I stood in my old childhood bedroom, staring in the full-length mirror at my nearly naked body, I had a thought. I look good just as I am today. It was wild to have this thought, because for most of my life I hated my body. I never thought it was good enough. I desperately wanted to change so that my body would be smaller. I wanted my body to be accepted. What I realize now is that the desire to be smaller, accepted, and approved was derived from sources outside of myself. It was the people who implied, whether through loving concern or otherwise, that my body wasn’t good enough exactly as it was. I listened to them. I allowed their judgement to settle in. I never listened to myself, because I didn’t know that was an option. It’s a crazy kind of awakening, realizing that for the last 30+ years I let the opinions of other people drive my decisions about myself. I’m still letting all of this sink in.
Most of the time I spent in my childhood bedroom, looking in that same mirror, I felt disgust towards my body. I can remember crying myself to sleep in that room. I remember staring at my reflection trying to figure out how I would hide myself and cover up so I didn't look so fat. And now here I am, many years later, several pounds heavier, wanting to prance around in my bra & panties because I feel sexy AF. It was incredible and emotional, and in that moment, it hit me; I am finally listening to me.
I get to figure out what works for me. I know what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat in a way that makes my body sing. I’m moving my body when I want, and how I want, in a way that feels delicious. Nobody outside of myself is telling me how to manage my body. I'm doing it. I'm fully accountable for myself. That's power. That's control. It feels like a freedom I never experienced before. All of this is happening from a place of love for myself. With that love comes trust. I am learning to trust me.
I am experimenting. My thoughts and beliefs are changing. I have removed 9 pounds this quarter. These are 9 pounds that feel like a lifetime of mental weight. They’re gone for good, because this is not a diet. What I’m doing is different. What I teach is different. You can't unlearn this. That’s what makes this permanent.
You can try a new diet any time. Just remember, when someone tells you what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat, it takes away all of your power. It assumes you don’t know what you’re doing. That’s what the diet industry wants us to think. I want you to think differently. I want you to know that you do have the power within. We all do. You just have to be willing to explore, be willing to feel, and be willing to call bullshit once and for all.
I know that I was asleep at the wheel for a really long time. I am finally waking up. This is month #3. We have 9 months left. I can't wait to see where I am at the end of this year.
xo,
Amy
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